Found Histories: "Editorials" from Sophomore Year, Carleton College, Fall 2005

Hello!

So I found two written pieces of note this week, while perusing a notebook from my sophomore year of college at Carleton. The first, which I will post facto title "On Small Groups," is an attack against the practice, popular amongst Carleton professors, of splitting students, mid-class, into groups of five or six to discuss the lesson being presented. I really, really hated this, for reasons I have included in the piece. I think that's all the intro I need, so enjoy (comments in parenthesis I have added later for some clarification):

To all Carleton Professors-
Please stop splitting us into small groups during class time. I suppose this practice is beneficial to you if you want to a) interrupt your lesson, b)lose the interest/drive of your students, c) turn groups of three to four students against each other, and d) completely waste 15 minutes of class time. Here's the deal: I (sic) pay $40,000/year to go to school here. I think that amount of money earns me the right to choose whom I learn from. So if my choice is between you, a PhD level academic and tenured professor, and Kenny from Duluth whom I saw last night drunkenly grinding all up on a Carleton Singing Knightengale (a capella singer) in the basement of Love House, I'm going to go with the one who didn't do five Irish carbombs in five minutes the evening prior, assuming that was the Prof. Don't get me wrong: I like Kenny. I enjoyed him in the famed "Man Dance" of Ebony (Carleton dancing event, highly gay) lore. He scored five runs at Rotblatt (Carleton's annual all-day drinking-softball game/tradition). He's got great pot. What I don't care about is Kenny's take on Thomas Moore's concept of social hierarchy in the Utopia- for that, I'm going to turn to your perspective, my dear professors.
Respectfully,
Max Leibowitz,'08

This piece was not chosen for publication in the student newspaper. I'm not sure why. I know many students who shared my view on this issue.

My next piece was I will title "On Emoticons," and needs no introduction:

To Whom it May Concern-
Everyone using AOL or AIM needs to stop using Emoticons, immediately. I don't know who conceived of the notion of typographical facial expressions. But that person has a masters in Stupid Studies. Question: In real life social interaction, do you punctuate the end of a sentence by simultaneously sticking out your tongue and winking? If you do, go back and live on your Douche commune. Chances are, if you did do that, you'd look like an idiot. But guess what: the same is true of your online personality. I have a confession to make: I'm slightly more moved by the words "I'm sad" than a colon and an open parenthesis; in fact, your use of an emoticon in lieu of the written word serves to disqualify you from the benefits of my sympathy to your situation by a factor of 10. Thank you
:)()((::P.,
Max Leibowitz, '08

This too, was not chosen for publication in The Carletonian. Again, I don't see why, since all of my points are completely legitimate and justified.

Thank you for reading today, and keep these sentiments in mind as you go through your day. I know, I know, I'm a dick.