Friday, March 25, 2011

Out with it, Rebecca Black! What day is it?!?!?!?!

So, I've spent the entire morning watching Rebecca Black's new music video, the internet sensation "Friday." I invite you all to watch the video (again) right now in a second window. Because that's exactly what I'm doing as I write this post. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the following live-blog of Rebecca Black's "Friday."

00:03 Wait, that is the title of the song, right? 3 seconds in, it's hard to say.

00:07 I think it would have been a fantastic creative choice, given the subject matter, to name the song something completely different. "Waves Crash Upon Eastbrouck" is the first that comes to mind. "No, Seriously, This is a Real Song" is the second.

flashback 00:00 The video opens with an animated tearing off of the calendar days, each page describing in extremely limited detail the agenda. Sunday is the first ripped off the board. Interestingly, the agenda on Sunday is "study study study study." riddle me this, Rebecca: If Friday is so great because everyone's "looking forward to the weekend," what about Sunday, rife with academic labor? Isn't the weekend great because there's no school? Is it just Saturday that's the party? If so, then this video really should be just half as long. I realize now that I can find lots of reasons why this video should be half as long.

"Tuesday's Gone With the Wind." Quite right, Rebecca. That is a long movie.

"Thursday: Essay Due. I am Thursday's child." "OK, what?!?" number 1. number 1 of 176 for this music video.

00:26 Rebecca wakes at 7am. After all, the sooner you wake up, the sooner it's Friday.

00:33. Our protagonista must now get to the bus stop and wait for the bus. Wait, she sees her friends? But what about the bus? Have you stopped to think for even a moment, Rebecca, about the nature of school bus schedules? Sure, it'll probably be a blast drivin' with the top down in Casey's convertible which, as a 13 year old, he is assuredly driving illegally (unless this town is located somewhere in Southern Iraq [gosh I hope so]), but when your bus actually arrives, the driver will wonder where you've run off to. He will wait for maybe 3 or 4 minutes, thus making the whole route delayed and other kids (who aren't lucky enough to have friends so eager to break state-mandated age minimums for operating motor vehicles) late to school as well. OK, Rebecca, not 40 seconds into this video and you're already as asshole.

00:35 It just occurred to me that perhaps there was some kind of typographical error, and the singer's name is just "Rebecca" and the song's name is "Black Friday." Ah, a clever piece of satire designed to show what's become of popular music! Please be true.
00:47 "Gotta make my mind up, which seat can I taaaaaaaake...." then cuts to Rebecca sitting in the middle back seat. Really, Rebecca? You had the choice of seats in a small compact convertible already filled and you chose bitch? You're a pop star, for fuck's sake. YOU ALWAYS GET SHOTGUN.

00:52 The first round of chorus. At this point, I'm kind of into this song, you know? An ode to probably the best day of the week. 13-year olds having a good time. I'm also savoring this chorus, because, there's no way I'll hear it again right?

01:06 So, when Rebecca sings "partyin-partyin-" we say "yeah!" and pump our fists in the air. We should always definitely say "yeah!" when she prompts us during this part of the chorus. I think it's totally acceptable-- UNLESS YOU'RE CASEY AND DRIVING THE FUCKING CAR! Casey! You're already driving illegally! For god's sake keep your eyes on the road, your hands at 10 and 2 and your mouth shut!

01:27 We quickly cut to Rebecca in another convertible, this time in an even more perilous situation: sitting on top of the back seat of a topless moving car on the highway with a friend on either side. I wish I could say that I hope an adult is driving, but that's saying to much about my hopes for her survival.

01:38 Confirmation that the driver of this car is not an adult, but this time a 13 year old Asian girl. Make whatever joke you want, but that sounds like a perfect storm of stereotypical poor driving.

01:49 Ah, finally, we cut to the "party," apparently what everyone's been looking forward to, although I assume is taking place on Friday night, and not on The Weekend, which Rebecca claims is what everyone is looking forward to. I'm mincing words now, I apologize. Rebecca, in another dick move, completely blows off a dude trying to say hi to her, instead turning her attention to the camera and the singing of her song. I hate those assholes at parties who spend the whole time shooting their music videos.

How many roads must a man walk down/ before you can call him a man / yes and how many seas must the white dove sail/ before she sleeps in the sand / yes and how many times must the cannon balls sail / before they're forever banned/ the answer my friend is blowin' in the wind/ the answer is blowin' in the wind
-Bob Dylan, 1963

Imagine there's no heaven/ it's easy if you try/ no hell below us/ above us only sky/ imagine all the people / livin for today, I/ imagine there's no country / it isn't hard to do / nothin to kill or die for/ and no religion too / imagine all the people / livin life in peace, you/ you may
say I'm a dreamer/ but i'm not the only one / i hope some day you'll join us / and the world will live as one
-John Lennon, 1971

Yesterday was Thursday Thursday / Today it is Friday Friday / We we we so excited/ we so excited / we gonna have a ball today / tomorrow is Saturday/ and Sunday comes afterwards/ I don't want this weekend to end!
-Rebecca Black, 2011

02:36 Ah, "requisite unnamed rapper bridge" section. Who is this asshole? What could he possibly have to rap about in regards to this song's subject matter? Did he and Rebecca share an upbringing? Did she get shot 11 times for him? Did he "go to bat for her" when the crackdown happened on "the block?" Is she one of his daughter's friends? Is she his daughter? Wait, he's driving a car. He's driving! AN ADULT IS DRIVING! And no one is in the car. Couldn't he have picked them up that morning? Plan ahead, unnamed requisite rapper!

03:15-end is the chorus played another 8 times with Rebecca singing to a crowd of 8 at the party. One wonders if this is some kind of Bar Mitzvah party? My best instincts say no, since most Jews would pay way more for entertainment than Rebecca Black and unnamed requisite rapper. Seriously, another 8 times with that chorus. Hard to believe that all the creative juice was squeezed out of this lemon after only two minutes.

So, that was fun. Fun, fun, fun be more specific. And unlike most, I don't actually want to rip my eyeballs out of their sockets and George Foreman grill them after watching this. No, I like this video. It's unintentionally hilarious, much like your best friend falling on their ass or getting a boner in class or doing both simultaneously.

And you know what else? Rebecca Black is going to be a huge star. In the post William Hung internet, being horrendously awful is a great talent. Consider that, with 55 million views and counting, Rebecca Black has more hits than all of Obama's YouTube addresses, probably combined. And I learn way more about the nature of our calendar system than his bullshit healthcare talks.

Consider that, probably within the next few weeks, Rebecca Black will appear on talk shows and morning telecasts and even more internet content. If she were talented, she'd never achieve so much fame. When was the last time you saw Andrew Bird on "Good Morning America?"

I LOVE this because the internet in America celebrates what I consider to be the best aspect of our collective sense of humor: irony.

Yes, Irony! The internet orgasms over it. When something like Rebecca Black's "Friday" goes viral, we love it not because it's great but because it's terrible! And this isn't that stupid annoying hipster irony where you wear Spam T-shirts and pretend to hate everything that you should love, like smelling good and wearing form fitting pants.

Friends, I would gladly watch Rebecca belt out this stupid shit on live television for free, just like I gladly watch it on the internet diverted from people's Facebook and Twitter pages for three minutes of stupid humor. Be honest, everyone: when you watched this video, did you really experience pain from how terrible the artistic quality is, or did you laugh your ass off? Did thoughts of her singing the national anthem, to the tune of this song, pass through your head? Or of her rockin' out not to a group of 8th graders at a party but to the Queen of England at an Presidential State Dinner? How great would that be?

OR did you simply laugh your ass off because it's absurd and ridiculous.

Thanks, Rebecca! I'll think of you every time it's Friday. Shit, how do I know when Friday happens? Oh yeah, thanks Rebecca!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Improv Team Names I Wish Existed, pt. 1

About three years ago I began compiling a list of improv team names I wish existed. It started with just a few in my Penway composition book, and has since grown to fill almost six full notebook pages. Now, you're probably thinking, "Max, there's no way you're going to publish all the names you've come up with on your blog." You're thinking that because you don't know me. Unedited, in no particular order, I give you the first half of this list, as it stands as of today. Please e-mail me or comment your favs.

Chicken Leg
Hitcha Back
Glued to My Seat
The Scoops
Noodle Kugel
Banana Muffin
Zelda Reptiles
Compost Me
Left-Over Sandwich
Sugar with Boobies
Purple Nurples
Yellow Tape
Asian Food
Puddin' Pants
Crotch Roach
Happier Jim
Nice Shoes!
The Birth of It

Turkey Town
Fix It!
No Way Josie!
Hold Your Horses
Hotdog Stuff
Cooked Rice
It's a Blouse
You're Great.
Nice Head
Reach Around
Razzle Dazzle
I Was Tired
The Grasshoppers

Parking Tickets
Shame on Plums
In a Pickle
The Pups
The Deal
Blame Game
Just Enough
Lake Effect
New Music
The 90's

Little Boy
The Odds
The Righties
Quacker Factory
The Playroom
Wrong Turn
House Band
2nd Marriage

Carnival Snafoo
The Agency
Amigo Fest
Upper Limits
Special Order
Zack Attack
Catapult Part Three
Eye Candy
Tyler's Mom
Random Play
Duck Crossing

Control Q
OK 47
Three Piece Suit
10,000 Cakes
Acquired Taste
Clubber Lang
TB Dating
The Big Boys
Part-Time Model
The Bank.
Bad Mailman.

To name a few. I'll be back with the other 90% of my list next week.


1. Why is there, without exception, a crazy yelling man on every single public bus? Are they giving out free monthly passes to these assholes? Are their social workers encouraging them to excercise their nutso muscles on innocent public transit riders? Also, where are they going? I never see them get off the bus. Is every bus actually the local to crazy town? Are they simply paying a daily rent with a $2.25 security deposit to live on the bus? Why are they sitting next to me every time? Hey, crazy man: do you know where the most productive place to yell and scream aimlessly would be? The shower. There you'd be killing the two birds of cleanliness and social insignificance with your stone of sheer crazy.

2. I think it's hilarious that, all of a sudden, I'm supposed to give a shit about Egypt. If you watch CNN every day, you're used to what Americans have come to enjoy the most: news about Americans. Clearly, this is the best kind of news, as American as apple pie and way more relevant to our country than news about other countries. Yet all of a sudden last week Anderson Cooper is bursting our wonderful American bubble by showing live shots of Tahrir Square protestors holding some kind of revolution against some dude named Mubarek. Given what I see on CNN the other 364 days of the year, I'm inclined to believe these people are actually gathered in a large public square in Kentucky pretending to be Egyptians actually protesting against Obama, who like Mubarek is Muslim, because we hate Muslims and our president isn't one of us and the Egyptians hate the health care reform law. Get real, CNN. Now that it's all over, I'm going back to my previous assumption that daily life in Egypt involved writing hieroglyphics, mummifying Pharoahs, and ordering Jews to build pyramids. Ahhhhhh.

3. Do yourself a favor this week: listen to the latest Chromeo album and watch Frisky Dingo.